Assassinating my character!

I love attention! If I remember myself as a child - I used to be a quite observer till the age of 8 or 10 (CAN ANYONE WHO KNOW ME RIGHT NOW BELIEVE THIS???). Oh well, when I was in my seventh grade, I noticed that there were a couple of girls in my class, who could make anyone laugh and all the other girls loved to speak to them. I being new in the class was not noticed much. So, then what? I started acting goofy and crazy and sarcastic and all that what could earn me every one's attention. I assassinated my character myself!!! just for some void attention.

Finally, after few years, I was just sarcastic and rude and never in the good books of the majority.

But still, I would not miss any opportunity to take part in extracurricular activities in school, thereby making some great rapport with my juniors. I just loved the idea that I was famous in school, but with a very heavy trade-off: I killed the original me that had little goodness in it and created a miss: i-want-every one's-attention. I even went out of the box and helped kids who are weak in studies, took combined studies with classmates - all this for getting into their good books - I got an unexplainable satisfaction when I was helping others and more than that what I loved was the "good" attention and appreciation that followed these actions. Which means that I was not helping unconditionally - i did not expect money or riches but all what I wanted was respect, good name, appreciation - in short, the manure to boost my ego.

Did all these help?
NAH never - it instead damaged the entire foundation of my outlook towards life and often I got criticised very badly by many (even by friends). My dear EGO was as huge as a mammoth.
Today, when I realise this big folly of mine, I thank God that it never was late to change myself. I taught myself not to expect goodness in return of goodness - in fact, I would want to love unconditionally every single person in my life without expecting any sort of goodness back in return, but every time I fail miserably. But then God motivates me to reform myself and just show me the mirror to my soul to remind me that there is so much to change. After all, God loves me unconditionally - i should love and keep him happy. And I am sure that any effort toward it will not be wasted!